On Being a Father

What is fatherhood all about? How can someone become a good father? Even if you didn't have a great father yourself, can you still be a good dad yourself?

My last post was on masculinity and respectful manhood - and lots of people read and responded to that one!! This time, I want to delve into a specific role that many men play - being a father. What does it mean to be a father? Is there a difference between being a father and being a dad? Why does fatherhood seem to be so much harder to grow into than motherhood is?

What is a Father?

There are multiple ways to enter into fatherhood. The most common way involves inseminating a woman, but you can also adopt a child, or marry someone who already has a child and slide into a father role for that child (provided that the child’s birth or adoptive father is out of the picture). Once you have your own child, poof - you’re a father - but how do men play this role? What makes a good father? How would you know if you’re a good father - or if you have some catching up to do?

In the animal kingdom, motherhood is just about universal. The mother gives birth, or her eggs hatch, and she’s instantly thrust into the role of caring for one or more offspring. Mothers are hard-wired to take care of their young, feed them, protect them, and nurture them until they are old enough to fend for themselves. But fathers stay around and help raise their young only in some animal species. Male eagles generally help take care of their chicks, but male whales don’t stick around. Male wolves and lions help to protect their cubs, but male bears are out of the picture as soon as they inseminate a female. Even male cats and dogs are not very involved in taking care of their babies. Only in a couple of species - such as penguins - do fathers do most of the caregiving.

Humans are among the few animal species that are self-aware and that are able to understand what it means to be a parent. Indeed, fatherhood takes different forms across cultural contexts. Mothers are almost always involved with their children, but father involvement varies considerably from one cultural group to the next. In some groups, men may have multiple wives, and a man may have many children - likely more than he can interact closely with. Even in cultural groups where both women and men have careers, mothers are generally more closely involved with their children than fathers are.

Even in many Western countries, when parents get separated or divorced, the children often live primarily with their mother. Many fathers stay involved after divorce, but a good number of them do not. It is rare, however, for a mother to lose contact with, or not be closely involved with, her child following a separation or divorce. Gordon Finley and I conducted a series of studies where we asked young adult college students about their mothers’ and fathers’ involvement in their lives when they were growing up. Mothers were almost always closely involved, but fathers were not.

The question is why?

When my wife and I were expecting our oldest child, my wife got to form a close bond with our daughter long before she was born. My wife could feel the baby moving inside her. I, on the other hand, was only able to observe. I read stories into my wife’s belly so that our daughter would know my voice after she was born - and indeed she did. But after our daughter was born, my wife instinctually knew what to do. I had to figure it out! I didn’t even know how to change a diaper at first, but I grew into the role and was always very involved. I met with teachers, helped with homework, played with the kids all weekend while my wife was working, and took the kids on trips to Disney once they were old enough to enjoy it. But my wife was the one who wanted to stay home with them when they were young, and who couldn’t bring herself to leave the baby and go to work after her maternity leave ended. She would get anxious every time they were sick, whereas I just shrugged my shoulders and knew they’d be better in a few days. I was very attached to my kids - and I still am - but I was just fine going to work and seeing the kids in the evening. My wife had the kind of instinctual attachment to them that I had to learn.

There is an expression I like - motherhood is hardwired, but fatherhood is learned. Almost every mother is a “mom,” but not every father is a “dad.” Women have a biological drive to have children - even though not all women end up having kids, there is a biological push to do so - but do men have that same drive to be fathers? I’m not so sure. Just like male bears and dogs, men have a drive to impregnate women - but that drive doesn’t always include staying around and raising the kids they produce. When girls and young women get pregnant, if they wind up having the baby, it’s a roll of the dice as to whether the father will be involved in his child’s life. Especially in poorer and less educated contexts (at least in the US and other Western countries), children are likely to be born into single-mother families and not to have actively involved fathers. The mothers almost always raise their children - or at least they do their best to do so - but the fathers are around far less often.

Fathers Versus Dads

I remember seeing a television commercial many years ago that said “Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” I could not agree more. Being a loving and involved father - a dad - is not an easy task. Because men do not have that same biological push to care for their children as mothers do, we have to make a concerted effort to stay involved. Interacting with babies and young children can be exhausting, especially after a long day at work, and many men just want to come home, change their clothes, pop open a bottle of beer, and watch television. Many guys want to go out with their buddies, watch sports, or go fishing or golfing rather than spending their evenings and weekends playing dress-up or answering “Why?” six thousand times. I know - or know about - many men who are not as involved with their children as they could be, and in many cases their wives (or ex-wives) are always pushing them to spend more time with their kids. I know, or know of, very few women who seem as though they’d rather do something else than spend time with their kids.

A Real Dad is someone who spends quality time with his kids even when there are lots of opportunities to do something else.

I remember a weekend in 2016 when my wife was going out of town for work. I had a lot of my own work I needed to get done, but the kids really, really wanted to go to Disney. We lived only about 3 hours away from Disney World at that time, so I said what the heck - let’s pack into the car and go. My daughters and I had the best time - we went to three of the four parks and really enjoyed being together. I even convinced my older daughter, who had just turned 13, to lie about her age so I could pay for a children’s breakfast at the hotel (which was only for kids 12 and under). We still laugh about that story now! We came home with tons of stuffed animals and magic wands - and the kids both thanked me for taking the time off to spend with them.

Any time one of my kids had a performance - they were both in the band, in girl choir, and in various other activities - I was always there unless I was traveling. I was a band parent, meaning that I volunteered to chaperone band trips, carry instruments, and film the performances. I did it happily and without reservation, and I was one of a few dads who were almost always on these trips with their kids. I had a lot of stuff to get done for work, but I learned quickly that kids only stay kids for a very short time. Now that they are 22 and 19, they’re independent and are doing their own thing most of the time. I’m very happy and proud to say that I was involved in their lives at every step of the way.

I was a Real Dad, just as my father was. He was very involved in my life even though I didn’t live with him - and even though my mother did her best to drive a wedge between us. But my dad was there for me any time I needed him. I have just as many fond memories with him as my kids do with me. In fact, in 2021, when I was about to turn 50 and move away to take a new job, my dad and I went on a bucket-list national park road trip, where we spent 18 days driving around the Western US. We visited eight national parks in seven different states. The time in the car together between parks was amazing, as we got to reminisce about old times while talking about our current lives. Getting to spend that kind of time with my dad as an adult was an experience I will treasure for the rest of my life.

But what if your dad wasn’t all that great? What if he wasn’t involved in your life? What if you never saw him? What if he was abusive? What if he passed away when you were young, and you never got to know him? Does that mean that you cannot become a Real Dad?

Absolutely not.

My father’s father was a difficult, angry person, and they didn’t have a very good relationship until my dad was an adult. But my dad promised himself that he would be a better father to his own kids than his father was to him - and he fulfilled that promise. He mentored me, taught me the value of hard work, and urged me to be honest and to stick to my principles. I’m convinced that my success in academia was due in large part to what my dad taught me about the importance of cultivating relationships and keeping promises. I passed the same lessons on to my children, who are well on their way to becoming successful adults.

As I’ve written in prior posts, my mother was also a difficult, angry person - and we were never close, even when I was an adult. But my experiences with her, combined with my dad’s example of how to be a good father, inspired me to be the dad I’ve been to my own children. Any man can be a Real Dad - he just has to make the commitment, and follow through. Every single day.

Being a Real Dad means helping with homework, even if you’re exhausted and you’ve had a stressful day at work. Your kids need you to help them, whether or not you feel like doing it.

Being a Real Dad means having tough conversations with your kids. If you see them doing things that aren’t good for them, you need to sit them down and let them know how they can do better - and why doing so would be good for them.

Being a Real Dad means supporting your kids’ passions and dreams. If your son or daughter wants to play soccer, you should commit to helping him or her pursue that! If your kid wants to be in drama, go to their performances even if you aren’t all that interested in the play they’re in (or if they only have a small role). If your kid wants to become a writer, read their drafts and give them feedback! If your kids’ activities involve buying equipment or going on trips, do your best to pay for whatever they need. Do whatever you can to help your kids reach their goals.

Being a Real Dad means supporting your partner (or ex-partner) in parenting your kids. Don’t undermine your co-parent in front of the kids. If you disagree with something your co-parent says or does, bring that up with them in private. Don’t criticize your co-parent when your kids are around - and certainly don’t say negative things about your co-parent when you are talking to your kids. Even if you and your co-parent are not together anymore, your kids need the two of you to work as a team.

Being a Real Dad means telling your kids you love them - and backing it up with actions. Tell them you’re proud of them. Praise often and criticize gently.

Being a Real Dad means holding your temper. Yelling at your kids almost never accomplishes anything, and hitting them just makes everything worse. If your children do something that really makes you angry, then go for a walk. Try your best not to raise your voice unless you rationally think you need to - and, trust me, that won’t be very often. Children need calm, collected, rational parents to guide them.

So, as you can see, being a Real Dad is not easy. It’s a lot of work! But when your kids are older, you will be happy you did it. Having a loving and involved father in their lives is almost universally good for kids. Most kids have Real Moms, but not everyone has a Real Dad. It is a privilege and an honor to be a Real Dad - and if you are a man with children, I encourage and urge you to take on this role. I can promise you you’ll love doing it, and that you’ll be proud of yourself later on.